After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
