Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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