Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
