god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
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I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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