You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
