why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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