all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
