I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
