It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
