Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
