my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
