i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
