none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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