she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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