I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
