Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize