i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
