Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
