I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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