I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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