Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
