on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
