Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
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Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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