I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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