a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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