fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
