Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
