I accidentally had phone sex last night
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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