seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
