Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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