So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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