Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
