Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
