the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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