Will you blow on my dice?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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