As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This is my gift to your gina
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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