I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
