I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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