We're facebook friends in real life
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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