if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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