Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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