Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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