I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
