Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
