Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Less talking, more tequila
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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