I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
