and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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