I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
