There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
