i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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