Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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