Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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