I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
