That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
