We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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