You smell like a Billy Joel song
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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